President's Day

Vespucci DID beat Columbus..he drew a map...salied all over the place...has a couple of continents named for him...but did Vespucci ever get Amerigo Vespucci Day? Heck No.. Columbus has a day. MLK has a Day. The Two Headed Monster that is Santa Claus and Jesus have a Day(they have a hard time sharing it seems these days).

No, that is not a former president in the picture. If you think it is a former president..then stop sniffing the gorilla glue you bought at the President's Day Sale at the grocery store.. Please don't get confused..I'll get to that in a moment.

Which leads me to the day we celebrated yesterday. Does anyone know why we celebrate it in February? Oh yeah, because it's always on George Washington's Birthday!

Actually, its not on his birthday.... As a matter of fact, its never on his birthday. Ever...Poor Georgie...it actually comes very close, but never lands on it, like an asymptote. Or your shadow ...or those two hands in the Sistene Chaple(Hand of God giving Life to Adam)..or those two hands in the Subway five dollar footlong commercials...they never touch...OK.. that was bad..But you get the point.
Washington's Birthday is actually...Right Now! Happy Birthday George! It's a shame since the 3rd Monday always falls between Feb 15 and the 21st...but never gets to the 22nd...Unbelievable! Come On!!

He doesn't even get a week..6 days, thats it. All dead celebrities get a week on TBS....Elvis( he gets it twice a year since he's The King), The Duke, Phil Donahue..wait...he's not dead...is he?.or at least I hope he's not..What a piece of work...what the heck happened to him anyways? Great hair...legendary temper tantrums...those glasses..great topics like "What happens when "Bonnie and Clyde" turn out to be "Bonnie and Bonnie" - Lesbian Bandits!!" Priceless. They should at least bring him back for a gameshow or something. Maybe American Idol..Shopping Network..Weather Channel...Viagra commercials...plenty of options for PD.. Lets get Phil to run for President! Donahue all the way in 2012...dead or alive..

The Male Stare-Off

It happens sometimes, very interesting thing.Not to be confused with The Mexican Standoff. You don't really know how its going to unfold. Uncomfortable at times. Hilarious at times. Weird looks, looks that take too long, eye to eye contact with little or no substance, inspiration, or justification. Like the band Creed..It's just messed up, man. The Male Stare-Off...So I found myself at Kroger one night.I'm not usually a Kroger Enthusiast, but it was late and Publix had closed. I'm in the self checkout line, waiting to check out myself..I mean check myself out..ahhh shit....not gonna win this sentence.

Anyways, I'm standing there, and this shorter, mousy lookin' dude walks into the store with a sidekick. They walk by all of the self check-outers, like a red carpet had just rolled out through the linolium coverd floors of the store, and the Kings of Kroger were home again. As the mousy one got closer to me, I noticed his "air of Krogerness". Seriously, he had it. He owned it. It was beautiful..

So I've been under the no talking diet now, and it has consequently made me notice more about peoples' actions, facial expressions, body language,etc. In addition, my time to look at these crazy humans has increased. Well, Prince Kroger threw a glance my way, just as I was taking in all of the grandeur that was in front of me. He saw that my eyes were noticing every little bit of the kroger strut, the kroger "look", and maybe if I'm lucky, obtaining my very own personal "kroger sidekick". All of these thoughts were sarcastically streaming through my head and my eyes were obviously the TV through which he could watch and see how his reflection looks in the eyes of ....well...me. I immediately sensed his disappoval of my optical opinions..I did not budge from them..they were confirmed, stamped, and self approved, all the while my eyes kept showing him that.

Didn't really mean for all of this to happen. Before I couldn't talk, I never really paid much attention to folks. Now its like a whole new way of seeing things. He got within a foot of me and finally felt like communicating. Not optically. He unevenly finishes his walk and stare pony show, looks away from me and says, "What's up man." I graciously reciprocated with "What's up."...And that's all it was. A good old-fashioned male stare-off..Just plain ridiculous. Didn't know what to take from it. A good friend once told me "Noticing is good. Even when what you're looking at isn't." Good Bye Kroger King..you were good..well played..well played.....just messed up, man..

Bees

Will sting you if you're not careful. And I am scared to death of them. But what's funny is, they make something so essential in my voice recovery diet: Honey. I have been eating honey like its going out of style this past week. I put it in the 3-4 cups of tea I drink every day. It coats your throat and vocal chords, like giving your car's engine an oil bath. Your throat feels marvelous, and rejuvenated. I've had many types: gallberry, blackberry, orange blossom...I never knew there were so many types...then I found the ultimate at the grocery store: Raw Honey. It's jarred and looks just like wax, but tastes incredible. My advice for this week: Eat more Honey.

Overalls...

Are in my opinion, more comfortable than jeans. No belt, they won't fall off of you, and they got more pockets. Check out this cool, edgy pic of me as I strike a pose in front of some long leaf pines...wow, dude..wow..

So what's up with Wal Mart drying up all of the smalltown businesses? Doesn't that suck? It used to be when you went into a small town, they'd have one or two staple restaurants, a general store, and the characters workin' the pump at the fillin' stations. Now, all of that is possible to do in one freikin trip to Wal Mart. Except for the essence of the small town. If you've ever seen the movie "Idiocracy", you'll understand that is what we're headed for..A huge, municipality-like sized store.

In fact, WMD's should be used as a double entendre for this domestic weapon of mass destruction, and its all but vaporizing the competititive existence of the small business owner...screw Wal Mart...What can a small town sell and profit from that Wal Mart cannot? A few things come to mind...Exotic wildlife, the hovercraft industry(mark my words, they will make a huge comeback...wait a minute..did they even come and go to begin with?), vices, more vices..bake sales, vices..dry cleaning/wash and fold shops! That's it! Hmmmmm..maybe not...OK, enough bitchin and moanin..

I had a quiet, peaceful time in the woods today with my dad. I'll leave you with this above pic. Notice my mouth is closed...I'm being good so far...

"Hey Little Gal! That boy rightchair's a whistlin for you!!"

Said Sue(fictitious name), an old disgruntled lady as she passed my mom in the dairy aisle of Bi-Lo in Vidalia, Georgia. It was this afternoon that Sue thought I was actually trying to "pick up" my mom in the grocery store. My mom, at the sound of my half-shouldered whistle, immediately walked over to see what the Bi-Lo Mute needed. As she tried to make out what I was explaining through hand jestures and facial hints, I saw the old lady take one last look back at us. Out from her black hat she generated a wave of "You should be ashamed of yourself!" that was headed right at us. Like a Big torpedo with a frown on it! As luck would have it, I wasn't trying to pick up my mom!......and the Hilariousness of the situation took over and almost made me crack up... I kept a lid on it though..close call.
So the picture above is of myself and my cousin Tom. Summer of 1984. I was 8. That's when I rode around town with my mom(like I'm doing now) no seatbelts, Wham! was on the radio, good times, man. Alot has changed since then, except for one small thing... I've learned over the last 3 days...older people just dont wear seatbelts! My mom just wont do it, it's crazy! We'll be riding around, and that little noise comes on. I'll look over at her, and she'll say, "Awwww! It'll go off in a minute..." But it doesn't! Oh well. Click or Tickit.

So I Saw The Black Swan..

And I never thought I would see a very able group of people(who CAN speak too) "Screw up a PB & J". I guess that makes me still young... hopefully? Anyways, when a film is being created from a book, it never gets made right in the first place. Secondly, if a script that is thrown on your desk invloves Tchaikovsky and girls that like other girls, you stay clear of one thing: BLOOD....and GUTS too. I appreciate horror films, and sometimes violence does it for me. But this movie was "half assed" in every sense of the phrase.
I'm proud of myself for not uttering a word thus far, even though there have been many moments where I normally do it...when I talk to myself(I talk to myself alot, in case you are wondering), stretching and holding my hands high in the air, I usually make a strange, hyena-like noise..I've been good, not doing any of that..And laughing...oh boy, Hunter Towns almost got me today with a truely priceless joke..I did have to keep a lid on it. not easy. Especially not easy when the joke comes from one of Georgia's finest story tellers.
I am down in south georgia tonight, its so quiet down here! You forget how quiet it gets from being up in the citywide hamster race we live in.
Say, what's the difference between a hamster and a rat? Why do people domesticate hamsters over rats? Hamsters are rodents too, right? It seems as though their diets differ slightly, but that's it....oh wait a minute..Wait a Freikin Minute Here! There is one more difference...Male Hamsters typically have overwhelmingly large testes, once the sex of a hamster is determined after 4-6 weeks of maturation.
"So lemme get dis straight: the fella with the bigger balls gets the house, huh? "
Thank You Wikipedia

Where have you gone, Pantomimus?

"Hey mommie, why is that man painted silver?" Little Gretchen points out, as her and mommie stroll down a busy street.
The silver painted man jerks around, kicks his leg up and makes a big smile followed by a quick look to the west, then a frown. He then sticks his hand out to little Gretchen, who gets startled, and runs to the clutches of mommie.
Mommie says,"Oh dear, that's because he's a Mime."
Little Gretchen asks, "What's a Mime?"
Mommie says, "A Mime is a street artist. They are usually kind of like circus people, always travelling, doing basically anything for money. But you never hear them say a word. It's very interesting to watch!"
It was 6:30 in the evening, and silver painted man had been there all day, in the hot sun doing the best he could, but not much return on his antics. Mommie and little Gretchen stood quietly, awaiting the silver man's next move. The silver man puts his hand out, as if for them to follow suit and hook him up with some change. Instead, Gretchen runs over and gives him a hand on hand slap, giggling. The silver man sighs, and lets out a little noise. "Mommie, he said something!" Silver man is frustrated with these turn of events and steps off his bucket. He gives them one last look and flicks a bird at Mommie and little Gretchen. "Oh!!" Horrors! What kind of carnival man are you?! Have some respect!" says the mommie. As he walks away, silver man yells out " Ahh, Sit on it and rotate, Sister!" while still holding up his middle finger, ending a long day of body motions and facial expressions, with no success at financial acclaim.

Now, most scholars say that Miming can be distinguished from silent comedy. But regardless of the body motion choices, or the unorthodox, sometimes shocking facial expressions, or random middle fingers late in the afternoon all qualify at some point as some pretty funny stuff.
Today I got out in the public and had my first dose of what it's going to be like not talking for a long time in front of people. Walked into the Mac Store at Lenox, and a spore of "Mackies" standing right at the front door greeting you. Short workers in the front, tall workers in the back..seriously.. Looked like they were gonna break out singing christmas carols or something...They were polite and welcomed me in, and as I walked by all 6 of them I could tell they wanted an instant gratification from me like "Hey! It's great to be here!". And I wanted to reciprocate the generosity, but all they got from me was a long, fake, almost laughing warm smile lasting 10 seconds as I made my way into the heart of the store.
I'm warming up to this bit by bit....